Thursday, January 7, 2016

5:1

Have you ever felt annoyed with someone due to something they said or did only to realize the same comment/action probably would not have bothered you had it been said or done by someone else? I have realized throughout my life that 'friends' are able to say and do things that I would find upsetting if they were done by 'non-friends.'Now, in many ways this makes perfect sense and it is logical to think that 'friends' have different boundaries due to our friendship than 'non-friends.'

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has found that a ratio of 5:1 for positive to negative interactions can predict whether or not a marriage will survive. His research looks specifically at marriage but researcher Dr. Barbara Fredrickson has similar data that takes the 5:1 ratio even farther.  According to her research 3:1 is the ratio needed for flourishing.  This, she says, is true in all situations: relationships, business, at home and at work.  3:1, 5:1.  Think about all of the interactions you have throughout a day.  How many would you classify as positive?  How many are negative?  When I think back to "bad" days, it almost always comes down to these ratios.  Days that are filled with positive interactions are fun and enjoyable.  Days that are filled with negative interactions are stressful, frustrating and exhausting.

Go back to that time a person annoyed you because they said or did. Think back to all of your interactions with that person.  How many were positive?  How many were negative?  When I think about the situation the other day when I became frustrated because of something someone said, I realize that I have not had many positive interactions with this person.  I would not qualify our interactions as negative necessarily, but they are not overly positive.  I would qualify them as 1 negative and many neutral interactions.  For me, I think this is exactly why I became frustrated.  It was a negative interaction without positive ones to counteract it.

Joshua Medcalf (Train to Be Clutch) introduced me to this concept of positive interaction ratios through two of his books ('Burn Your Goals' and 'Chop Wood, Carry Water.')  This information was eye opening to me and made me better understand moments when I was feeling frustrated or stressed.

As teachers it is easy to focus on what our students are not doing and sometimes it feels impossible to create a positive interaction, but this research proves how important it truly is for ourselves and our students.  I know how I feel when the majority of my interactions with my husband are negative.  Now, imagine how a student feels has they go through a day at school and they receive only a few positive comments but are constantly corrected.

I have found that class goes smoother and I feel better when I am focusing on giving my students positive feedback.  It is not always easy, but I have found hammering students on all the things they are doing wrong is also not beneficial.  As I finish my first week back since Winter Break, I am going to continue to focus on being more intentional on giving positive feedback.  Humans in general are not told often enough about all the great things we are doing.  Yes, we can all get better and we all have room to grow, but we are also already doing great things.  We need to take small moments to enjoy and acknowledge these acts of greatness.