Who I Am

When I lose my way,

And I forget my name

Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see

Is who I don't wanna be

Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places

When I can't remember what grace is

Tell me, once again

Who I am to You, who I am to You

Tell me, lest I forget

Who I am to You, that I belong to You

To You

I'm the one You love,

I'm the one You love

That will be enough

I'm the one You love

Remind Me Who I Am: Jason Gray

I pride myself on being a learner, but sometimes I am slow. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the same thing over and over. Thankfully, it seems the truly important lessons come with frequent reminders. Since the birth of my second daughter, I have struggled with identity. It was easier with only one child to still have a life or to at least to pretend like I did. I still had time to run and coach and play music. Now my life seems to be dictated by a preschooler and a toddler. They direct my schedule.

Every once in a while I sub as the drummer in two Praise Bands at my church. One Saturday we played 'Remind Me Who I Am' by Jason Gray and it really resonated with me. The lyrics hit home. It was the first light bulb moment about how to change my situation. I struggle with who I am. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, friend, teacher, musician, reader and runner. All of these labels are limiting. All of these labels have a season, but none of them explain who I am at the core or who I am all the time. I haven't read a book in a while, am I still a reader? I haven't run for months, am I still a reader?

The one label that I often overlook is Christian. I am a child of God. That label is all encompassing and it is true today, tomorrow and forever. It is the one constant. It is never changing.

Life is busy. Sleep is at a premium, which means me schedule is often different than I would like it to be and many things are left undone. Church usually involves sitting outside the sanctuary with one of my kids and Bible Class is usually preschool Sunday School because my daughter does not want me to leave. Time alone is fleeting so spending time reading the Bible is nonexistent.  I have been thinking for weeks that I need to refocus my identity as a Christian and focus on this fact. Out of frustration, I tweeted about lack of identity. I was blessed with many responses and great advice. Once again, I was reminded to turn to the Gospel. After weeks of reminders and thinking, I think this last one was the final push I needed.

How do you stay focused? How do you ensure the important aspects of your life are completed even when your day can be chaotic? 

It's an Opportunity

One of my principals shared this video in his weekly memo. It resonated with me and made me reflect. My grandmother would always say she had to have a talk with herself when her attitude was not good. Outlook and what we say to ourselves are vital to a healthy life. 

I complain a lot. My husband is usually the one to hear my complaints: not enough sleep, the girls up a lot, stress at school, running behind, so much to do and the list goes on and on. The past two years have been stressful. With one child, I felt like we were able to keep a lot of our same routines from our pre-children days. With two children, this was no longer possible. Things had to adjust and change. New responsibilities were added and a few things had to stop being part of my routine. 

My husband has often heard me complain about being at two schools. It is not ideal for many reasons and at times I have been overwhelmed by this school year. Being a part of two districts makes things more complicated. BUT, it is also a great opportunity. I have worked in many schools during my teaching career. Working at many schools has allowed me to learn and see how many districts operate, which have given me more ideas and allowed (often forced) me to try new and different things. I have learned so much from being part of all of these schools and teaching different subjects and grades. I think my teaching would be very different if I had not had all of these experiences. I don't think I would have grown as much as a teacher. Each job has helped me get better and to grow.

Watching this video made me change my attitude and focus. Yes, I have things to complain about, but I also have many opportunities. At the end of the day, I am going to be working at two schools for the forcible future and there will be nights when my girls do not sleep. I can either look at the negatives about these events or I can find positives and look at the opportunities. I have the opportunity to create music and has a positive influence on more students while working at two schools than I would if I was only at one school. I have the opportunity to spend extra time with my girls while they are young. I get extra cuddles and get to share more experiences with them. I can't always change the event, but I can change my outlook and attitude.

What do you get to do today? What opportunities are awaiting you?

Bullet Journal 2018

Monthly Calendar

Over the course of the last two years, I kept hearing about this amazing thing called a Bullet Journal. Maybe it is FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), but I wanted to try out this new thing if it was something that could help make things easier. One thing that I struggle with is having too many calendars and having things written in too many spots. I work at two schools, had two kids and a husband. Trying to keep all of those schedules straight is not always easy. I love Google Calendar, but I also love having a paper document. 

Lesson Plan Template

I watched a few videos and learned the basics about the concept of Bullet Journals. I grabbed a spiral notebook I had laying around started with my Index. After a few months of use, the pages were tearing out and I stopped using it all together. In November I grabbed another notebook. This time a Mead Composition Notebook and created a new Index and Long Range View. It is easy for me to become overwhelmed with trying to make it 'perfect' so I am trying my best to keep it simple. I love that this one notebook has everything I need: lesson plans, schedules, school calendars, to do list, notes, reference material, budget and my workouts.

Daily Gratitude 

When I first set mine up, it was hard to know how much space I would need. I was afraid of leaving too many blank pages. I have learned a few tricks about setting up my journal and my next journal will be better. I prefer having all of my pages for a month together. Each month starts with a calendar and habit tracker/budget. The next four pages are for lesson plans. In the back of my current journal, I also have weekly pages with a weekly calendar, daily captures and daily gratitude. Next time, I will make sure all of these pages are together with one month.

Week at a Glance

I use basic pens: black and blue and a pencil. I tried using post it tabs but they kept getting caught on other things in my bag, so I glued them onto the correct page and cut off the part that was sticking out of the notebook. Having the tab on the paper still allows me to find each month or section easily.

I know there are ways to make my journal look beautiful and be completely fancy, but I don't want to get bogged down with trying to make it pretty. It can be overwhelming. I looked at a few page ideas for teachers. There are so many articles and videos about how to setup a journal and it can seem difficult. I carry this notebook in my purse at all times and it has helped me stay more organized and relieved a bit of stress because I know what is coming up and where information is located.

What are your favorite bullet journal page designs?

Mama, Why You Upset?

The other day while in the car I was talking to myself and fuming about something. I honestly don't even remember what I was upset up.  In the grand scheme of life it was small and inconsequential, but in the moment I made it into a life altering issue. Then a small voice from the back seat made me aware of the errors of my way.

"Mama, Why you upset?

Simple question right.  There are so many simple answers: my phone is going to die, we are late again, I'm tired, someone is being a bad driver, someone was rude, the plane is late, traffic is a mess.... My exact reason for being upset in that moment escapes me (clearly it was life altering and important). 

"Mama, Why you upset?

In that moment I realized that I did not want to admit to my three year old (or to myself really) why I was upset.  I have clean drinking water, I am safe, I live in a land of freedoms and opportunities, I have a caring family, I have healthy children who are growing and learning, I have a supportive husband who puts up with me, I have wonderful friends who are always there, I have access to books/YouTube and endless learning opportunities and I have my faith.  In the grand scheme of things, those are far more important than my phone battery being dead or my computer not working quickly enough or Kiddo 1 not going to bed when I when I want her to.

Lately I've been an emotional mess. Sleep deprivation has really taken its toll. Having two young kids who do not always sleep well has really messed with my schedule. For the first time in a year, my husband and I went golfing. It was four hours away from my kids and although I truly love them it was amazing! I left the house that morning cranky because once again we were running late (which I feel we always are), but I came home from the course smiling and a good mood. 

What changed? I didn't get anymore sleep. I had some free time which helped me relax, but at the core, nothing was really different.  My outlook changed.  My perspective changed. One speaker I listened to lately made a great point when he explained how reality is the story we tell ourselves. What we perceive becomes our reality, but we can change what we see and the stories we tell ourselves.

Emotions can be fickle. I've heard many speakers say you should not live based on how you feel in a given moment. The theory seems sound but it can be such a struggle. When I feel angry I want to be angry. I don't want to remind myself that everything is okay and I just need to relax. It's so easy to get sucked into that emotional place and live in the emotion of the moment. Today was a great reminder that living life this way is not the most beneficial. No one wants to have a boss who is only nice when the business is doing well, or a spouse who is only kind when they are happy or a person who is only kind when things are going well. The same is true for our emotions.  I will not always feel like doing something or being a certain way, but being controlled by my feelings and emotions is not a stable way to live a life.

"Mama, Why you upset?

I don't want to answer this question from my three year old with because my phone is dead.  My energy is better used for beneficial outcomes. 

Remembering Mrs. Northcutt

Last summer one of my coworkers passed away after battling cancer.  I had the pleasure of working with Mrs. Northcutt for one year.  Her smile filled a room and she was a great balance of positive energy while still staying real.  She cared deeply for her students, coworkers and family and her decisions always focused back to those groups of people.  In the year since her passing, it has become even more evident that she left a huge impact on those around her. The memorials and activities in her memory show her lasting legacy.

One thing that she wanted was a Buddy Bench for the playground.  This spring a Buddy Bench and a rock with her name were installed at the Dillon Playground.  The morning of the dedication was rainy, but many people braved the weather to remember Mrs. Northcutt.  One of my favorite stories from the dedication was one told by our principal.  The bench and rock had been installed a week prior to the dedication and some students had started placing dandelions on the rock. At first a few teachers thought the students were being disrespectful, but soon we all realized that this was the way these students were paying respect to their former teacher.

I have heard many Life Coaches say you should write your own obituary.  What do you want people to say?  What do you want people to remember.  These are the things we should be focusing on everyday. These are the things that really matter. Mrs. Northcutt was and is a great reminder that relationships are what matter.  That is her legacy.

Missing Out

It has been a slow process but I have finally learned a life changing lesson.  

I will always be missing out on something.

Due to my husband's work schedule and his Masters Program, taking care of the kiddos and our house has mostly fallen onto my shoulders.  A few weeks ago he offered to take Kiddo 1 to the Children's Museum, but we had not been there before and I did not want to miss that experience with her. Everyday it feels like I have to choose between spending time with my family and getting school work done.  At the end of the day, I don't want to miss experiences and memories with my kids. So, I pile more things on my plate and I sacrifice sleep in an attempt to get everything done.  For months now, I was convinced that if I just figured out how to do this working mom thing better my life would be easier.  I just needed to figure out a better schedule or be more organized or not sleep as much.  Last night was a moment of clarity for me.

I will always be missing out on something.

Once again (for the third night this week), my husband had a school event, so entertaining the kiddos was all on me.  At times I feel jealous that he gets to be out of the house.  I know he has work, but sometimes I would love to have time to get work done and not feel rushed or be on a time limit. For me, time to get work done and not feel rushed is fleeting and I envy that he has so much more of it than I do.

Last night was honestly one of the best Friday nights I remember in a long time.  Pick up did not go as quickly as I would have liked so we scratched going to the library and headed straight home.  Kiddo 1 and I started our Friday Fun by making a blanket tent in the play room. We have made tents in living room and in her bedroom, but never in this location.  It was something new and fun and she was very excited about it. She loved clipping the clothes pins everywhere. We made homemade pizza for dinner and Kiddo 1 had a blast putting hand fulls of cheese on her pizza and spicies (pepperoni) on mine. After dinner we made popcorn and she insisted on putting the corn into the popper by the handful.  We played Disney Yahtzee and ate our popcorn inside the tent. I was impressed she lasted twenty minutes playing a board game.  We "played" with Kiddo 2, called Nanna, had ice cream for snack, watched Tube (YouTube) and went to bed without much of a fight.  Kiddos and I were all asleep by the time my husband got home.

I know there is nothing special about any of these activities, but they are wonderful memories that I have with my kids.  I have these memories and my husband misses out because he is at work.  Yes, there are times I would love to be in my classroom working or to go grocery shopping without wrangling 2 kids, but last night showed me that these moments are important. 

 I will always be missing out on something.

Sleep, time for myself, time for my family, time to get work done or time to clean.  Something will always be left undone.  It's up to me to pick which tasks get my energy.  There will always be something left on my list.  I will never be completely done.

I will always be missing out on something.

Dreams

I recently finished the book 'The Magnolia Story' by Chip and JoAnna Gaines.  One things that the authors talk a lot about is how they would spend time dreaming.  They dreamed about what their life would look like, what their business would look like and what they wanted to do with their life.  They dreamed all the time.  In many ways it sounded like visualization and I know from listening to the work by Joshua Medcalf (T2BClutch) that this can be a powerful tool. Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt or a gentle reminder about a tool or idea.  Reading this book gave me that gentle reminder.  I also realized that I spend so much time trying to survive the day that I don't spend enough time dreaming about life.  I am trying to dream more. Trying to be intentional.  When I dream about my life it is split into three categories: Family/Friends, Professional and Personal. 

I dream about ...

Family/Friends

• Being a happy person; smiling and full of positive energy.
• Being filled with beneficial self talk.
• Having strong relationships with my closest friends.
• Having strong relationships with my family.
• Being intentional with my words and actions.
• Being a spiritual person and spending time in Bible Study and Prayer.

Professional

• Having a positive impact on my students.
• Leading by example.
• Feeling organized.
• Being happy and sharing the joy of music with the school/community.

Personal

• Reading books.
• Learning something new everyday and getting better.
• Being Happy.
• Finding peace in the balance between home and work and self.

I am a firm believer that we need to be intentional with our thoughts and words. Days go by fast and without being intentional, we risk loosing time and wondering where the days went.

When is the last time you dreamed about your classroom or life?

Thank You Kiddo 1!

I have been cranky lately. Little things are bothering me more and I have to admit I am not always the best company for my family. I feel stressed, overwhelmed and tired more than I ever remember. After talking to coworkers and friends,  I now know I am not alone. It took me a while to stop feeling like a failure (those feelings still come back some days). The guilt of not feeling good enough is a real struggle. I am slowly accepting the fact that these feelings are normal. Young kids make life wonderful but they also make things more challenging. Simply knowing that others struggle with the same challenges does not always make it easier.  I do like knowing that I am not alone. 

This morning Kiddo 1 asked me to workout. I am sleep deprived and did not feel like doing much more than laying on the couch. Kiddo 1 would not quit. Someday I will learn to appreciate this qualitiy. Finally I told her we would go on a walk. My husband decided to join us and we made it a family activity. She walked a bit, wanted me to carry her, went on my shoulders, had her daddy carry her and sat in the stroller with her sister. 

After walking for about 20 minutes she decided she wanted to run. I started the walk feeling cranky and I finished our 45 minute walk/run with a smile on my face and feeling better about things. Thank you Kiddo 1 for "making" me go on a walk. Thank you for reminding me of the joy of running. These moments with my kids are ones I will always remember and they fill my heart with joy. I am excited to have a new running partner and I am thankful that Kiddo 1 does her best to help me start kind, thankful, focused and in shape. 

What I Know for Sure

I started reading 'What I Know for Sure' by Oprah Winfrey and it made me start thinking about what I know.  I am in a phase of life where I am learning new things. As a new mom, I am trying to learn everything I can in order to help make my life and the life for my family better.  I am only a chapter into this book, but I am already thinking; 

What do I know for sure...

• My faith is extremely important, but I do not make time for it like I should.
• My family is the most important thing in my life.
• Teaching is stressful, but I cannot imagine doing anything else.
• My students give me energy and fill me with joy (most days).
• Watching kids learn (my own and my students) is a wonderful experience and I feel honored to be a part of it.
• The world is full of hate, but most people are filled with good.
• Everyone deserves respect.
• You are more than your job.
• Life is hard.
• Many people are just trying to survive the day (I find myself part of this group often).
• Negatives usually feel worse than they are.
• Treating people kindly goes a long way.
• Reading is one of the best ways to spend my time.
• Treasure moments.

What do you know for sure?

You Look Happy

Weeks ago, before church I had a few minutes before we had to leave so I picked up my phone to check Facebook. I had five alerts so I quickly skimmed through them and noticed someone had commented on a photo. Earlier in the morning I had changed my profile and cover photos. My marriage is the second most important relationship (behind God) and I decided my profile picture should show this relationship. My girls are also very important to me so I changed my cover photo to a picture of them and my profile picture is a picture of my husband and I.

Someone commented that we look so happy.  A completely innocent comment that made me upset.  How dare they tell me how to feel.  I realize now how silly my reaction was, but in the moment it really bothered me.  I did not feel happy and I did not appreciate someone telling me that I should be happy.  This comment made me realize how much we hide from others.  We give the illusion that we are happy.  On the outside everything looks great, but on the inside we are far from great.

In someways this is good.  Being able to "hide" some of your emotions can be very helpful. In other ways it can be a detriment.  Regardless of what "everyone" sees, it is vital that I have people close to me that I can share how I really feel.  People I can turn to for help when the trenches get a little too deep.  We all need these people.

What we see on the outside does not always match what is happening on the inside. Just another reminder that relationships matter.  Don't judge a book by it's cover.

One Word: 2017

'One Word' seems to be the new way of doing New Year's Resolutions.  The past two years, I have tried to pick a 'One Word' with the hope sit would help me focus my life and energy to make the most out of the next year.  After a few weeks, I tend to get overwhelmed with life and forget about my 'One Word' altogether.  This year I am going to take the opportunity that a new year brings to refocus my life and energy in a positive direction.

2016 has been a challenge at times.  Life is challenging at times.  Being an adult is challenging at times.  Two young kids, a husband, a job, a house and all of the responsibilities that come with each of these can feel overwhelming at times.  As I look back over this year I realize that many of my feelings of anger and frustration are caused by the same issues and most of these issues boil down to me not having enough time for me.  I know this is a common struggle for many moms and it is completely normal, but I still want to try to make things better and easier.

It may sound selfish and I don't mean to take it to an extreme, but my 'One Word' for 2017 is Me.  I have a wonderful family, but at the end of the day I am responsible for taking care of myself.  When I am tired and cranky, I am not the best mom, wife, friend or person I can be.  Now, this does not mean that I am going to forget about those around me and only think about myself. It means that I am going to think about filling my cup.  Often I become too worried about my family that I don't take care of myself as much as I should.

I vow to take care of myself in 2017.  I want to be the best mom/wife/teacher/person that I can be.  I need to make myself a priority (I think this is a struggle for many moms and women in general).  I have created a plan to help take care of all aspects of myself: spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I know my plan will need to be adjusted at times, but I am hoping it is a realistic plan that meets my needs and goals.

Spiritually:  Start the day with a Bible Study (YouVersion Bible App).  End the day with the daily readings from THE BIBLE in a year (YouVersion Bible App).

Mentally:  Take time each week to do something for me.  Listen to audio books during my commute, listen to podcasts/music while I workout, read a book for fun, take a nap, soak my feet or take a bath.  Play music and learn at least one new song a month.

Physically:  Run or walk 2017 miles in 2017.  I thought about doing this challenge in years past, but it always seemed overwhelming.  I am going to walk and run and hope to have my husband join in on the challenge.  5.5 miles a day will be a challenge, but I believe many positives will come from my time working out. We have a treadmill that I want to use more and I want to make walking a priority.  Fresh air is good for me and it is good for my kids.  I am not signing up for the challenge, but I am going to keep track of my miles on my own.

Emotionally:  I am going to be intentional about feeding the positive dog (Positive Dog by Jon Gordan).  I am going to journal daily and keep a gratitude list.  I will continue to work on my Mental Toughness.  I will treat people well, be thankful and have a positive attitude regardless of my situation (Train 2B Clutch).

One of the biggest lessons I learned during 2016 is that being positive and energetic is not always easy or automatic.  It takes effort to look past the negatives and to focus on the positives in life.  It takes effort to have energy everyday and to stay focused on treating people well, being thankful and having a positive attitude.  Even people who look like they have it all figured out have to work at it everyday.  Being positive is a constant choice.