A New Way to Do Things

Since I became a Mom three years ago, I have struggled with feeling like I can't do everything at the level I would like.  If I am the teacher I want to be, I feel like I am failing my family and when I am spending time with my family, I feel like I am failing my students.  There are simply not enough hours in a day. The other night I tweeted out a question: Can I be a good teaching only working 7:30-4?  I have only been a mom for three years which means I still remember being able to stay at school late most nights and going in on weekends.  During the no kid time in my life, that schedule was manageable, but it is no longer is possible. 

A few people responded to my tweet and the overall consensus was that I worked too much before kids and it is possible to still be a good teacher and not work crazy hours. One person did say that it is not possible to be a good teacher without working crazy hours. I know work life balance is a struggle for many people.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be the teacher I was before I had kids.  I have time to dedicate towards working on school projects that is not taken up by family. I am trying to find ways to be more efficient with my time and to spend my time doing truly valuable projects. One issue that compounds the lack of time for me, is lack of sleep.  I have young children, who do not always sleep when I want them to.  Lack of sleep and lack of uninterrupted time makes getting work done more difficult. 

This school year I am focusing on creating systems to help me get work done more efficiently and to make time for myself, so can be the best for those around me. I may not be able to stay after school until late, but I can use the time I do have more effectively by having an organized list of tasks to accomplish. I am also learning to prioritize tasks for when my kids are awake and when they are sleeping. It is a work in progress. 

How do you balance life and work?

Mama, Why You Upset?

The other day while in the car I was talking to myself and fuming about something. I honestly don't even remember what I was upset up.  In the grand scheme of life it was small and inconsequential, but in the moment I made it into a life altering issue. Then a small voice from the back seat made me aware of the errors of my way.

"Mama, Why you upset?

Simple question right.  There are so many simple answers: my phone is going to die, we are late again, I'm tired, someone is being a bad driver, someone was rude, the plane is late, traffic is a mess.... My exact reason for being upset in that moment escapes me (clearly it was life altering and important). 

"Mama, Why you upset?

In that moment I realized that I did not want to admit to my three year old (or to myself really) why I was upset.  I have clean drinking water, I am safe, I live in a land of freedoms and opportunities, I have a caring family, I have healthy children who are growing and learning, I have a supportive husband who puts up with me, I have wonderful friends who are always there, I have access to books/YouTube and endless learning opportunities and I have my faith.  In the grand scheme of things, those are far more important than my phone battery being dead or my computer not working quickly enough or Kiddo 1 not going to bed when I when I want her to.

Lately I've been an emotional mess. Sleep deprivation has really taken its toll. Having two young kids who do not always sleep well has really messed with my schedule. For the first time in a year, my husband and I went golfing. It was four hours away from my kids and although I truly love them it was amazing! I left the house that morning cranky because once again we were running late (which I feel we always are), but I came home from the course smiling and a good mood. 

What changed? I didn't get anymore sleep. I had some free time which helped me relax, but at the core, nothing was really different.  My outlook changed.  My perspective changed. One speaker I listened to lately made a great point when he explained how reality is the story we tell ourselves. What we perceive becomes our reality, but we can change what we see and the stories we tell ourselves.

Emotions can be fickle. I've heard many speakers say you should not live based on how you feel in a given moment. The theory seems sound but it can be such a struggle. When I feel angry I want to be angry. I don't want to remind myself that everything is okay and I just need to relax. It's so easy to get sucked into that emotional place and live in the emotion of the moment. Today was a great reminder that living life this way is not the most beneficial. No one wants to have a boss who is only nice when the business is doing well, or a spouse who is only kind when they are happy or a person who is only kind when things are going well. The same is true for our emotions.  I will not always feel like doing something or being a certain way, but being controlled by my feelings and emotions is not a stable way to live a life.

"Mama, Why you upset?

I don't want to answer this question from my three year old with because my phone is dead.  My energy is better used for beneficial outcomes. 

No More Band-Aids

Over Spring Break this year I planned a night away at a hotel for my husband and I.  It was partly a graduation present to him for finishing his masters, but selfishly it was also a present for myself.  I needed sleep! (I still need sleep!) Since Kiddo 2 was born last August, it has been a jumble of night feedings, late nights and early mornings.  If Eight Hours of Sleep were on my To Do List, it has not been checked off in months.  I never realized how important sleep is until I was not getting quality or quantity sleep. I now understand why sleep deprivation is a torture technique.

For one night we got to be childless.  Kids were safely dropped off at my parents house.  We got to go out to eat at non-child friendly places.  I got to eat my food hot (I never realized how big of a deal this is until I had kids) and I did not have to leave to take a toddler for a break. Plus, the best part... I got to sleep.  8+ glorious hours.  I didn't have to wake up for crying and there was no toddler crawling into my bed at 3 AM.  It was wonderful! 

These two days away were great, but I realized after being back in my "real" life that this trip away was just a band-aid.  It did not really fix anything.  It was necessary, it helped and I got the necessary sleep for one night, but it did not fix my problem of not getting enough sleep.  Breaks like these only fix things if they are routine and my bank account cannot afford for me to spend a night at a hotel weekly or monthly.  Like most parents with young kids, sleep is at a premium in my house.  This night of sleep was needed, but it did not fix the fact that I went back to a house with two young kids and a schedule that does not allow me much sleep.  The real solution is fixing the schedule and that is far more complicated.

I realized we/I do this in other areas of life.  How often do we put a band-aid on something instead of really taking time to fix the issue?  Changing jobs instead of fixing a relationship or breaking off a friendship instead of fixing the relationship.  The list could go on and on.  We hide from the real issue in favor of covering it up with a band-aid.  Band-aids are usually less painful and they are easier.

Truly fixing things is complex, it takes time and energy.  First you have to get a clear diagnosis of the complete problem.  In the case of my lack of sleep, it is impacted by many different issues.  Mainly the fact that my children do not routinely (or in the case of Kiddo 2 never) sleep through the night or go to bed "early".  The reasons why both of these happen are numerous and both have their own issues that impact them.  None of this is simple to figure out or fix. A night away is a quick and easy band-aid solution for the problem. It does not change the overall situation though.

Band-aids are helpful and necessary sometimes, but it is vital that we look past the quick solution and focus on the core issues.  What band-aids are in your life?  The big one in my life right now (besides sleep) is my issue with Facebook (post about my thoughts on this coming soon).  My solution at the moment is to deactivate my account.  This is a band-aid though and does not truly solve the underlying issues.

Missing Out

It has been a slow process but I have finally learned a life changing lesson.  

I will always be missing out on something.

Due to my husband's work schedule and his Masters Program, taking care of the kiddos and our house has mostly fallen onto my shoulders.  A few weeks ago he offered to take Kiddo 1 to the Children's Museum, but we had not been there before and I did not want to miss that experience with her. Everyday it feels like I have to choose between spending time with my family and getting school work done.  At the end of the day, I don't want to miss experiences and memories with my kids. So, I pile more things on my plate and I sacrifice sleep in an attempt to get everything done.  For months now, I was convinced that if I just figured out how to do this working mom thing better my life would be easier.  I just needed to figure out a better schedule or be more organized or not sleep as much.  Last night was a moment of clarity for me.

I will always be missing out on something.

Once again (for the third night this week), my husband had a school event, so entertaining the kiddos was all on me.  At times I feel jealous that he gets to be out of the house.  I know he has work, but sometimes I would love to have time to get work done and not feel rushed or be on a time limit. For me, time to get work done and not feel rushed is fleeting and I envy that he has so much more of it than I do.

Last night was honestly one of the best Friday nights I remember in a long time.  Pick up did not go as quickly as I would have liked so we scratched going to the library and headed straight home.  Kiddo 1 and I started our Friday Fun by making a blanket tent in the play room. We have made tents in living room and in her bedroom, but never in this location.  It was something new and fun and she was very excited about it. She loved clipping the clothes pins everywhere. We made homemade pizza for dinner and Kiddo 1 had a blast putting hand fulls of cheese on her pizza and spicies (pepperoni) on mine. After dinner we made popcorn and she insisted on putting the corn into the popper by the handful.  We played Disney Yahtzee and ate our popcorn inside the tent. I was impressed she lasted twenty minutes playing a board game.  We "played" with Kiddo 2, called Nanna, had ice cream for snack, watched Tube (YouTube) and went to bed without much of a fight.  Kiddos and I were all asleep by the time my husband got home.

I know there is nothing special about any of these activities, but they are wonderful memories that I have with my kids.  I have these memories and my husband misses out because he is at work.  Yes, there are times I would love to be in my classroom working or to go grocery shopping without wrangling 2 kids, but last night showed me that these moments are important. 

 I will always be missing out on something.

Sleep, time for myself, time for my family, time to get work done or time to clean.  Something will always be left undone.  It's up to me to pick which tasks get my energy.  There will always be something left on my list.  I will never be completely done.

I will always be missing out on something.

Dreams

I recently finished the book 'The Magnolia Story' by Chip and JoAnna Gaines.  One things that the authors talk a lot about is how they would spend time dreaming.  They dreamed about what their life would look like, what their business would look like and what they wanted to do with their life.  They dreamed all the time.  In many ways it sounded like visualization and I know from listening to the work by Joshua Medcalf (T2BClutch) that this can be a powerful tool. Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt or a gentle reminder about a tool or idea.  Reading this book gave me that gentle reminder.  I also realized that I spend so much time trying to survive the day that I don't spend enough time dreaming about life.  I am trying to dream more. Trying to be intentional.  When I dream about my life it is split into three categories: Family/Friends, Professional and Personal. 

I dream about ...

Family/Friends

• Being a happy person; smiling and full of positive energy.
• Being filled with beneficial self talk.
• Having strong relationships with my closest friends.
• Having strong relationships with my family.
• Being intentional with my words and actions.
• Being a spiritual person and spending time in Bible Study and Prayer.

Professional

• Having a positive impact on my students.
• Leading by example.
• Feeling organized.
• Being happy and sharing the joy of music with the school/community.

Personal

• Reading books.
• Learning something new everyday and getting better.
• Being Happy.
• Finding peace in the balance between home and work and self.

I am a firm believer that we need to be intentional with our thoughts and words. Days go by fast and without being intentional, we risk loosing time and wondering where the days went.

When is the last time you dreamed about your classroom or life?

Thank You Kiddo 1!

I have been cranky lately. Little things are bothering me more and I have to admit I am not always the best company for my family. I feel stressed, overwhelmed and tired more than I ever remember. After talking to coworkers and friends,  I now know I am not alone. It took me a while to stop feeling like a failure (those feelings still come back some days). The guilt of not feeling good enough is a real struggle. I am slowly accepting the fact that these feelings are normal. Young kids make life wonderful but they also make things more challenging. Simply knowing that others struggle with the same challenges does not always make it easier.  I do like knowing that I am not alone. 

This morning Kiddo 1 asked me to workout. I am sleep deprived and did not feel like doing much more than laying on the couch. Kiddo 1 would not quit. Someday I will learn to appreciate this qualitiy. Finally I told her we would go on a walk. My husband decided to join us and we made it a family activity. She walked a bit, wanted me to carry her, went on my shoulders, had her daddy carry her and sat in the stroller with her sister. 

After walking for about 20 minutes she decided she wanted to run. I started the walk feeling cranky and I finished our 45 minute walk/run with a smile on my face and feeling better about things. Thank you Kiddo 1 for "making" me go on a walk. Thank you for reminding me of the joy of running. These moments with my kids are ones I will always remember and they fill my heart with joy. I am excited to have a new running partner and I am thankful that Kiddo 1 does her best to help me start kind, thankful, focused and in shape. 

What I Know for Sure

I started reading 'What I Know for Sure' by Oprah Winfrey and it made me start thinking about what I know.  I am in a phase of life where I am learning new things. As a new mom, I am trying to learn everything I can in order to help make my life and the life for my family better.  I am only a chapter into this book, but I am already thinking; 

What do I know for sure...

• My faith is extremely important, but I do not make time for it like I should.
• My family is the most important thing in my life.
• Teaching is stressful, but I cannot imagine doing anything else.
• My students give me energy and fill me with joy (most days).
• Watching kids learn (my own and my students) is a wonderful experience and I feel honored to be a part of it.
• The world is full of hate, but most people are filled with good.
• Everyone deserves respect.
• You are more than your job.
• Life is hard.
• Many people are just trying to survive the day (I find myself part of this group often).
• Negatives usually feel worse than they are.
• Treating people kindly goes a long way.
• Reading is one of the best ways to spend my time.
• Treasure moments.

What do you know for sure?

Bible App by YouVersion

One of the first Apps I downloaded when I got my phone was a Bible. I downloaded the YouVersion one because it was listed at the top of my search. It took me a while to really understand all that this app has to offer and it is now one of my favorites.

My favorite thing about this App is the ability to download Bible Studies. There are tons! There are read the whole Bile programs, there are Bible Studies based on specific books in the Bible and there are studies that are based on a specific topic: marriage, family, teen, kids, career and leadership to name a few.

Some of the Bile Studies contain a devotional along with scriptures, while others are scriptures that relate to the topic. Either way, there are Devotionals and Studies about every topic pertaining to life. I have found all of the Bible Studies to be extremely helpful. Right now I have been working through a lot of motherhood and marriage ones. Many of the ones I have worked through are short and I know I can set aside five minutes a day to read through one, so there is no reason to miss a day.

A Time for Every Season

Years ago, at my grandfather's funeral, the pastor talked about how there is a time for every season. It is a theme found throughout the Bible. Living in the Midwest there are 4 seasons: Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. When I lived in Alaska, I felt there were only three seasons: Summer, Cold and Really Cold.

In many ways, the idea that there is a time for every season is comforting. At the same time, I find it brings a bit of anxiety. There are many different seasons and our lives change constantly, but does this mean one season is more important than another? Does this mean I should look forward to other seasons?

In high school, seasons were separate. I played three sports and each had their season. As a musician, there was solo/ensemble season, musical season, marching season and large group contest season.  Seasons in my life also overlap and sometimes things need to be put on the back burning for a while. 

As a mom of a toddler, coaching for me has taken a back seat for the moment. As a mom of a 5 week old, this season is focused on staying home with her. Soon I will go back to teaching and my season will be as a mom and a educator.  The struggle for me is that some seasons feel like a let down.  I am 'only' a mom or 'only' a teacher.  That is where this idea of seasons really starts to bother me.  I know that my life will not always be like it is right now.  Eventually, I will be able to sleep through the night again and eventually my kids will grow up be more self sufficient. It is easy to feel like my season is not as important as what others are working on at the moment and I think this will be a constant struggle for me.

I am slowly working on accepting this new stage of life.  There is a season for everything and this season will not last forever, although sometimes it feels like it will never end.  There will come a day when I will miss the baby snuggles and miss the hilarious (albeit sometimes frustrating things) that my kiddos do.  I am trying to learn to enjoy this new phase of life and not compare my life to what I see around me.

What season are you in?  Are you enjoying it?  How do you accept this season and enjoy it to it's fullest?

Sharing vs Connecting

One of my struggles lately is the idea of sharing on social media verse the idea of forming connections using social media.  Being home on maternity leave is wonderful, but I struggle with the lack of social interaction and I have found myself posting more often on Facebook.  It may be a random comment or a picture.  My life at the moment is consumed by Kiddo 1 and Kiddo 2, so many posts include them and their randomness.  

I find many benefits to being on Twitter, but I am beginning to question the role of Facebook.  At times, I find myself feeling like a slacker because I don't feel I  "measure up" compared to what I see online.  On Twitter it is easy to compare myself to what others have done and what I have not: I have not created a Twitter chat, I have not written a book, I have not created an organization and I am not an administrator. On Facebook, it is easy to compare myself to "perfect" lives others show in their pictures.

There is a place for social media, but I am concerned that we (maybe it is just me) are sharing post and pictures without really connecting with people.  We click the like button on Facebook, but do we communicate with others and make sure they are doing alright? Do we connect with them and enjoy their successes? Do we support them during times of struggle?

I know there is research about the dopamine that is released when a post receives likes and although I have not done a lot of reading on the topic, it is an area that interests me.  Life is wonderful and joyous, but it is also hard.  My life is filed with hilarious moments.  Toddlers have a way of adding joy, but they also bring moments of frustration.  This is real life, not the candy coated version we often see on social media.

It might be time for me to take a break from Facebook.  I know my family and friends appreciate seeing pictures of my family, but at times the level of frustration out weights the positives. It is time to text, e-mail or maybe even call people and connect with them instead of relying on Facebook and likes.

How do you balance connecting and sharing on social media?

Reflections While On Maternity Leave

I feel like my life is either busy or boring.  I am either running around trying to take care of many responsibilities or I am "relaxing."  I don't get a lot of time to relax and maternity leave is supposed to be time for me to relax, recover and adjust to a new baby.  Although it is nice to spend time catching up on TV shows and having time to work, I am finding the calm pace to be challenging at times.  Over the course of the past four weeks I have had time to reflect and think about teaching and life in general and I know I will learn even more in the next three week.  This is what I have learned/thought about so far...

• I should enjoy each day and moment and not live for vacations, weekends or time off of work.
• I need to learn to take care of myself during moments of calm and busyness. 
• I need to find time for myself: learn something new and take care of my health.
• I need to be intentional about the time I have with family.
• It does not need to be fancy, but each day should include some family activity (a walk, the park...)
• Each day needs to include reading and writing. 
• Time spent doing Bible Study needs to be a cornerstone of each day.
• I need to remember to focus on what is really important (that is not how many things are left on my To Do List.)
• I need to remember to enjoy the little things ever when life is crazy.
• I need to live life based on principles not feelings.
• Life is constantly changing. 
• Enjoy the Journey.

Time to be Selfish

I don't know if it is a women thing or if it is just part of my personality, but I have learned (the hard way) that I have a hard time asking for help.  After the birth of my first child, I was more uncomfortable than necessary because I refused to ask the nurses for help.  I did not want to bother them, so I did not ask for things as often as I should have.  I learned my lesson and recovery after my second child went a lot better. Even though I asked for help more often, the nurses never once seemed bothered.  There are people in this world who genuinely want to help those around them.

My husband tells me I am an independent, self sufficient women.  I have learned that this is also code for being stubborn.  I expect to be able to take care of everything and do everything myself.  As I have added a husband, a commute, a job and two kids to the equation, at times it becomes too much to handle all on my own.  Unfortunately, I am still working on learning to recognize the signs of feeling overwhelmed so I can take steps to avoid a frustration/stress induced meltdown.  Thankfully I have a husband who is supportive and is learning to recognize the signs so that he can help me.

It sounds selfish, but we need to take care of ourselves.  As moms and wives, I know this can be hard.  For me, it is extremely hard! We need to put our own well being as priority one.  During an airplane crises, they tell you to put your air mask on first because if you are not taken care of, you cannot take care of your family.  Now, I realize there is a fine line.  I cannot become extravagant in my mission to "take care of myself." It is not in the best interest of my family or myself for me to sleep 12 hours a day, miss work or other responsibilities and call it "taking care of myself."  However, I do believe it is important and vital to make time for myself during the day.  Even if that is an hour broken up throughout the day.  Finding balance does not mean equal.  Finding time to pray, Bible Study, journal, sleep and exercise are important for my mental, physical and emotional well being.  When I take care of myself, I am better able to take care of those around me. 

How do you make taking care of yourself a priority?  What activities help you be at your best?

June Update: Toddler To Do List

Summer seems to move very quickly and I have found over the years that having a plan helps me stay on track and ensures that I accomplish most of what I set out to in May.  July was supposed to be full of traveling and family time, but due to a few unexpected events, our traveling has been limited.  I am still trying to make sure kiddo and I spend time together and that she is exposed to experiences that help her learn and grown.

1. Visit different Zoos
2. Read A LOT of Books (85 as of this morning)
3. Visit different Parks
4. Splash Pad
5. Go Swimming
6. VBS
7. Summer Reading Program
8. Picnic Outside
9. Build a Fort
10. Play with Bubbles
11. Draw with Chalk
12. Go on Walks
13. Watch Fireworks
14. Watch a Parade
15. Go Hiking
16. Play with Cousins
17. Play with Friends
18. Visit Family
19. Finger Paint
20. Eat an Ice Cream Cone
21. Go on a Bike Ride
22. Spend Time with Mommy and Daddy
23. Go on a Road Trip
24. Play in a Sprinkler
25. Visit State Parks (1)
26. Paint with Water
27. Play Catch
28. Go Camping (even if it's in the back yard)

Toddler Bucket List

Life changes in so many ways when children are involved. This is my first summer with a toddler and I know I must keep her busy in order keep my sanity. I have made a list of experiences I want her to experience. Summer is a hard time for me because I don't always do well without a schedule. This list also serves as a schedule of sorts to help me stay on track.

What is on your bucket list? What are your favorite memories with your family?

1. Visit different Zoos
2. Read A LOT of Books
3. Visit different Parks
4. Splash Pad
5. Go Swimming
6. VBS
7. Summer Reading Program
8. Picnic Outside
9. Build a Fort
10. Play with Bubbles
11. Draw with Chalk
12. Go on Walks
13. Watch Fireworks
14. Watch a Parade
15. Go Hiking
16. Play with Cousins
17. Play with Friends
18. Visit Family
19. Finger Paint
20. Eat an Ice Cream Cone
21. Go on a Bike Ride
22. Spend Time with Mommy and Daddy
23. Go on a Road Trip
24. Play in a Sprinkler
25. Visit State Parks
26. Paint with Water
27. Play Catch
28. Go Camping (even if it's in the back yard)